Romy and Michele

I almost feel sorry for this pair of grinning-ghoul mannequins. They are trying their darndest to fit in with the sexy, non-nightmare-inducing mannequins in the H & M window across the street.

In that way, they're kinda like how we all were in high school: hideous, awkward, and desperate to be seen as desirable by the cool kids.

But my empathy only stretches so far. Sorry ladies, but cute hats and perky nipples are not enough to make me forget those freaky Joker grins. I'll feel sorry for you from the other side of the glass, thank you very much.

Uncle What's-His-Face

At first glance, this dude is a riot. He looks just like that eccentric, unmarried uncle we all see at family get-togethers. You know, the one who gives you age-inappropriate Christmas gifts like a mini tequila bottle when you're twelve and a Playboy-emblazoned cigarette holder when you're nine.

But that's just why this mannequin's so creepy. He's too realistic. Uncle What's-His-Face is a barrel of laughs on special occasions, but who wants him grinning at you in Sears when you're shopping for boxerbriefs?

Little Red Didn't Stand a Chance...

This granny mannequin (grannyquin?) comes from the same mold as the boy scout mannequin I mentioned earlier. She, like that boy scout, is not as she seems.

She puts you at ease by implying that she is frail (sitting in a rocking chair) and wearing the most American pie, Laura-Ashley number she could dig up from the steam trunk in the attic. But take a closer look. Is she as old as she wants you to think? Nary a line or a wrinkle on that face. And check out those wheels beneath the rocking chair.

"My, oh my, Grandma. What nice wheels you got there."
"All the better to chase you down the street with, dearie!"

At Least the Kid's Got a Hobby...

I think this kid's creep-factor has everything to do with his face, which seems to have been transplanted from a thirty-year-old.

The sad little band-aid on his cheek doesn't help matters. How did he get wounded? What homicidal activities does he get up to when the store shuts up for the night? Does that band-aid conceal a scratch mark inflicted by a stubbornly resilient victim moments before being disemboweled? Lock those doors, people.

She Probably Enters Via The Chimney

I can only assume they were aiming for a high creep-out factor here: the pallid death mask, the stank-toothed rictus.

So there's not much to say about this one....except: you've heard about sleep-paralysis, right? Many people experience this phenomenon, in which they wake up in the middle of the night, unable to move, prisoners in their own bodies, with a hideous old hag straddling their chests. Well, doctors say it's all psychological, nothing supernatural about it. Remember to tell yourself that when you wake up at three in the morning with this chick's face pressed in on yours.

Hitchcock Would Approve

I'd imagine that walking past this display would be a lot like that scene from The Birds in which the protagonists carefully creep past a schoolyard infested with homicidal crows.

One mannequin: not so scary.

An army of mannequins: run for your life.

Look At Them, I Dare You

This dude's a little too intent on gazing into your eyes, non? He doesn't want to undress you with his eyes...he wants to possess you with his eyes!