Romy and Michele

I almost feel sorry for this pair of grinning-ghoul mannequins. They are trying their darndest to fit in with the sexy, non-nightmare-inducing mannequins in the H & M window across the street.

In that way, they're kinda like how we all were in high school: hideous, awkward, and desperate to be seen as desirable by the cool kids.

But my empathy only stretches so far. Sorry ladies, but cute hats and perky nipples are not enough to make me forget those freaky Joker grins. I'll feel sorry for you from the other side of the glass, thank you very much.

Uncle What's-His-Face

At first glance, this dude is a riot. He looks just like that eccentric, unmarried uncle we all see at family get-togethers. You know, the one who gives you age-inappropriate Christmas gifts like a mini tequila bottle when you're twelve and a Playboy-emblazoned cigarette holder when you're nine.

But that's just why this mannequin's so creepy. He's too realistic. Uncle What's-His-Face is a barrel of laughs on special occasions, but who wants him grinning at you in Sears when you're shopping for boxerbriefs?

Little Red Didn't Stand a Chance...

This granny mannequin (grannyquin?) comes from the same mold as the boy scout mannequin I mentioned earlier. She, like that boy scout, is not as she seems.

She puts you at ease by implying that she is frail (sitting in a rocking chair) and wearing the most American pie, Laura-Ashley number she could dig up from the steam trunk in the attic. But take a closer look. Is she as old as she wants you to think? Nary a line or a wrinkle on that face. And check out those wheels beneath the rocking chair.

"My, oh my, Grandma. What nice wheels you got there."
"All the better to chase you down the street with, dearie!"

At Least the Kid's Got a Hobby...

I think this kid's creep-factor has everything to do with his face, which seems to have been transplanted from a thirty-year-old.

The sad little band-aid on his cheek doesn't help matters. How did he get wounded? What homicidal activities does he get up to when the store shuts up for the night? Does that band-aid conceal a scratch mark inflicted by a stubbornly resilient victim moments before being disemboweled? Lock those doors, people.

She Probably Enters Via The Chimney

I can only assume they were aiming for a high creep-out factor here: the pallid death mask, the stank-toothed rictus.

So there's not much to say about this one....except: you've heard about sleep-paralysis, right? Many people experience this phenomenon, in which they wake up in the middle of the night, unable to move, prisoners in their own bodies, with a hideous old hag straddling their chests. Well, doctors say it's all psychological, nothing supernatural about it. Remember to tell yourself that when you wake up at three in the morning with this chick's face pressed in on yours.

Hitchcock Would Approve

I'd imagine that walking past this display would be a lot like that scene from The Birds in which the protagonists carefully creep past a schoolyard infested with homicidal crows.

One mannequin: not so scary.

An army of mannequins: run for your life.

Look At Them, I Dare You

This dude's a little too intent on gazing into your eyes, non? He doesn't want to undress you with his eyes...he wants to possess you with his eyes!

'Aint Even Trying To Hide Their Evil

Check out those demon-child expressions...shudder.

You should just be thankful that the sign reads open. Those bars won't be enough to protect you when the store shuts up for the night and the mannequins are no longer bound by the Must-Remain-Motionless-In-front-of-Humans Treaty. I credit Today's Special with educating me about living mannequins. If only all of mannequin-kind were as benign as Jeff. (Remember Muffy-the-Rat? and Sam-the-Security-Guard? Oh, the childhood memories)

Jeepers, Where'd You Get Them Peepers?

This guy's creep-factor is fairly simple to spot. Yellow eyes. Now, I'm not suggesting that those with jaundice-causing medical conditions like liver failure or hepatitis are scary. Of course not. That would be horribly insensitive, not to mention un-PC, of me.

But, come on, this guy does not need Doctor House's help; he needs an exorcist. For one thing, his eyeballs don't seem to fill-out his eye sockets properly. Look at the corners of his eyes: you can see right into the dark abyss of his skull. That's just wrong!

It's Under the Sheepskin, I Tell You!

Don't be fooled by this boy scout mannequin. His expression of alarm and upraised hand are meant to awaken the parental protective instinct in you. But once you get close enough for that small, yet strong, hand to swipe at your unprotected face...Well, let's just say I told you so.

Now Comes With An Extra Orifice!

A medical mannequin, complete with tracheotemy hole and realistic teeth that take us right into the Uncanny Valley. Here's a nightmare-inducing reverie for all you med students: imagine practicing mouth-to-mouth on this guy. Just imagine it.

Send In the...

Scarlet lips and a gaping smile give the disquieting effect of an evil clown, non?

Whimsy Gone Wrong

They certainly tried their best at whimsy with these mannequins - neon-coloured hair, overly-large Manga-ish eyes, zany smiles. But I think one small detail pushes these creations into the Creep-Zone. The teeth. Why do such cartoony people need comparatively realistic teeth? And how long can I stare at them before they realize I am a perfectly edible alternative to veal?

How Much Is That Zombie In the Window?

These mannequin children are guaranteed fear-induced bowel-looseners. Oh, where to start? Well, there's the dead-eyed zombie child in the bowl cut (I used to have hair like that in my pre-puberty days. It was a scarily unfashionable 'do, but never this scary).

The boy in the back has a fairly neutral face, but that hand. THAT HAND! Its splayed fingers, the way its held up either in a gesture of defense (to ward off a creepy predator just off camera) or in a gesture of menace, as if he's poised to reach through the Fourth Wall, grab you by the lapels, and pull you into his other-dimensional HELL!!!!!!!

Roomier Than A Minivan

Kudos to this particular range of mannequins for staying clear of the Uncanny Valley, with their exaggerated eye proportions and cartoony eyebrows. Yet, for all that stylization, there is something unnerving about this boy. I think it's that gaping maw.

And You Were Never Seen Again...

"Hey mister, look how big my mouth can open! Isn't it keen? Why don't you come a little closer. I bet you could climb right inside!" Fear this kid. (Despite his creepiness, the hat is neat though. I haven't worn knitted caps since I was in elementary school. I'll never forgive John Giamara for stealing my red and white Roots cap. YES, I'M NAMING NAMES!)

His Eyes, His Eyes...

What is the lad gazing at with such wonderment? If he were a normal human boy, my guess would be a red Schwinn bike with streamers (has anyone outside of Wally and the Beaver ever owned a Schwinn?). But, seeing as he is a demonic mannequin child, I'll put my money on a dangling corpse.

Ghastly Grinning Gals

Does anyone else remember that creepy picture book from when they were kids? You know, the one in which a boy meets people in the street with progressively bigger and more menacing teeth? (It's such a simple story, but it still gives me the heebies) Anyways, that is why these mannequins are frightening.

Laugh and the Whole World Flees In Terror

A good example of how happy faces, when pushed to anatomical extremes, become TERRIFYING faces! (His genitilia-less nudity only adds to the creep-factor).

Also, doesn't that generic canvas backdrop remind you of school photos? I have to admit with great shame that I never looked nearly as good in my yearbook photos as this smooth-crotched yahoo looks here. That is exactly why mannequins will rule the world one day. They have the surfeit of confidence that comes from never having endured acne, braces, and high school angst.

He Was Always Such a Quiet Neighbour

The nondescript cap and oversized sunglasses make this mannequin look like a serial-killer in hiding. The goatee must be part of his disguise as well; it seems at odds with the unnaturally gaunt face.

And because I care about your welfare:

Remember folks, NEVER allow an abductor to drag you into his car. Fight, kick, bite...whatever it takes. But, if you do find yourself imprisonned in the trunk of his sedan, there is still hope. Kick like hell at the portions of the trunk aligned with the signal lights. These areas are not reinforced and you should be able to punch a hole straight through, at which point you're free to stick your arm through to alert fellow motorists that you are mere minutes away from ending up like the well-girl in Silence of the Lambs (Loved the movie, but objected to the homophobic portrayal of the villain. I'm disappointed Jodi Foster didn't put her foot down on that point. She does bat for the team, you know).

Child of the Corn

This earnest little boy mannequin is trying very hard to be cheek-squeezably adorable. Look at the way he cocks his head, aims those eyes (blue as a Nebraskan sky) at you, and opens his mouth as if to ask, "Gee willipers, aren't I the cutest lil' corn-fed runt you've ever seen?" But he only manages to look like a creepy homicidal extra from Children of the Corn. Praise Isaac!

That frazzled hair is not doing him any favours either. It's clearly evidence that playing let's-murder-Outlanders-as-a-sacrifice-to-our-demented-ass-lord in a Wyoming cornfield can wreak absolute havoc on a boy's hairdo.

You Can Leave Your Hair On

This elfin-faced girl is just a hair-breadth's away from being unremarkable. It's the wig that puts her into J-horror category. Notice how it seems to be peeling away from her skull, moments away from revealing some Cronenberg-ian growth on her head (a second face perhaps? a puss-oozing organic USB port a la eXistenZ?) The creepy possibilties are endless.

They Shall Not Be Denied

This nattily-dressed trio's creep-factor is all about attitude.

It's the way they each seem unshakably confident about their superiority over you, about their god-given right to inherit the earth and kick you off of it. It's like a Nazi propaganda poster meets Brave New World.

Also, their facial characteristics are unnervingly similar, aren't they? Either they have each been cloned from the same Gattaca-approved DNA or they are the products of dystopic-state-approved incest. You decide which is the lesser (or sexier) of the two evils.

I like the suits though. I would totally join the New World Order for those suits.